Have you ever sat in front of a mirror, on a chair or on your bed? Looking at yourself straight on with your thighs all squashed out, your stomach rolls bunching up, and everything in a terribly unflattering position..? Well, I was getting ready for one of our Thanksgiving gatherings this weekend and as I sat on the edge of our bed putting my makeup on I took a long, hard look at myself. Then I did it again as I sat on a bench at Mike's aunt's house, putting my boots on my fat legs, seeing my big arms and wide shoulders.
I do NOT understand why I allow myself to look this way.
I do NOT understand why I let myself get this bad.
I do NOT understand why I'm so lazy, unmotivated, and unsuccessful.
But I DO understand that it can't continue.
I'll admit a secret to you - I can't wait to have a baby. I am baby crazy right now as I daydream about my future with Michael. And one thing I know very well is that is it not good to carry excess weight when you are tying to get pregnant, or when you are having a baby.
That SHOULD be all I need to motivate me. That should be enough. That PLUS the view of myself while sitting, or in pictures.. THAT should be MORE than enough.
But it isn't.
WHY?
I need motivation. I need determination. I need strength and willpower. I lack all of these things that make it possible to make a lifestyle change and get fit.
My past haunts me. Last September I started running using the app Ease Into 5k (formerly called Couch to 5k). The app plays your music while it teaches beginners how to run in 9 weeks. In October I started a 6 week program at Get Fit Bootcamp. From September to mid October I lost 30lbs running alone. I lost an additional 20 from running and bootcamp in the following 6 weeks. The program I was in was a trial, and I got in for free. I was blessed with that. However, I couldn't afford to continue going.
Then the snow came. I tried to run in the winter but it was more difficult to breathe, and very difficult to run on the ice. So I stopped running all together. My mother got me a membership at the YMCA so I could run indoors. I went once. We canceled it. I tried to run in the spring, but it was too wet and muddy. Then the summer came and it was too hot. Excuse after excuse, issue after issue, and the pounds came back. Before long I had gained back everything that I had lost. I am so sad and disappointed in myself.
That brings us to now. I have started at Get Fit again; I've been going for 2 weeks, this week is my third. And I really want to start running again, but up until now I have lacked the motivation. I'm hoping to start tonight, actually. I go to bootcamp at noon on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I'm hoping to run on Tuesday and Thursday, and if I can find the motivation, Saturday as well.
I'm hoping by sharing this story with all of you, you will help me stay motivated. I figured if I make my struggle public like this that I HAVE to stick to it, or else I won't only fail, but I will also be embarrassed. This way there is something holding me accountable. Right?
I will update occasionally, but not every day. Every blog regarding my struggle will be tagged with "weight loss", "life", and "personal", so you have 3 tags to find the entries under. I'm going to try and continue my life as normal, and not place a large amount of emphasis on this so I do not become overwhelmed. It shouldn't be overwhelming. It should just be a gradual lifestyle change that I can maintain for the rest of my life.
If you have any stories, comments, suggestions, words of encouragement, please leave them for me. I'd love to see them. Feel free to follow my blog via bloglovin' or via google (the link is in my sidebar). And if you have a blog that you'd like me to follow, I'd be more than happy to.
Here goes nothin'!
xo
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Your post struck a chord with me Misty. I was and am very much in a similar situation as you. It really is hard to get and to stay motivated...but you have to tell yourself that this is no longer an option - it is something that you simply have to do. No ifs, ands or buts about it. It is so easy to stray off the path. I was at my best physical health a year and a half ago and then slowly crept up 50lbs (!!!) I was quite ashamed of myself...I didn't even bother dressing nice or doing my makeup...I just hated myself and it still didn't motivate me to get my ass up off the couch and do something about it.
ReplyDeleteThat is until I really realized that nothing changes if nothing changes. I hated when people said that to me but I didn't really understand until I sat there and really thought about that saying.
It isn't a piece of cake...it really is a lot of hard work. But I got back at it and lost 20lbs...then I was off for 3 weeks (boo!) and it took me a lot to get back at it again.
There are going to be shitty days...hell, even shitty weeks...but we just gotta keep on going..keep on trying. You can totally do it. We both can. You just gotta surround yourself with positivity, and people that cheer you on. I am here for you hun! I will try and help you out in your journey and maybe we can keep motivating one another.
Lots of luv,
xox
Thanks S! It's nice to know a friend who has been through the same situation or something similar to me. I know what you mean, I stopped putting make-up on or getting out of my sweats, too. A while passed and then I started to wonder if Michael was going to become less attracted to me, so I started actually caring about my make-up and hair again (even though he thinks I'm beautiful without make-up, and even when I think I'm not). It's hard.
DeleteI try to remember all the cute pictures I see on pinterest, like photography poses and what-not that I know I can't replicate without being thinner than I am. I want people to be able to take pictures of me without feeling a desperate need to remove the tag asap. I want to feel confident in clothing and when I'm going out! etc etc etc..
Thank you for your comment. I hope I can do it like you have. The hardest thing is making myself get up and go do it.. to pull myself away from cuddling Mike to get into my shoes and start sweating.
But I need to do this!! Agghh.